I find myself at a crossroads. Something horrible has happened and I’d like to think that we’re friends and that I can dump it all on you and that you’ll understand. But I fear that if I put it in print, if I say it out loud, if I put it out there in cyberspace that somehow it will become more true, more real, and more terrifying than if I didn’t do those things. If I keep you in the dark and if I don’t admit it out loud, then it can’t really be happening. In the recesses of my mind I know that that statement is ridiculous, but somehow it feels like it’s true and I just wanted to stay in my safe, little bubble a while longer.
I’ve decided I’m going to rip off that band-aid quickly. It’s hard to admit that someone you love has the “C” word. Maybe if I whisper it really quietly. c-a-n-c-e-r. Nope, still sucky to say. There is nothing in this world that will suck the air out of your lungs faster or with more force than the “C” word.
That life-sucking bitch has sunk her claws into one of the most important people in my life, my dad, and it’s terrifying. It has altered my family’s lives. It has shaken us to the core and we are trying to deal with the situation the best way we can. But sometimes you just want to cry. Cry and scream at the Universe and yell at God and all The Powers That Be that they have somehow made a terrible mistake!
Why is this happening to my dad? That’s the ultimate question isn’t it? Why? And that’s a scary path of self-pity to go down so I’m not going to go there yet. For now, we’ll just worry about today. So thank you for letting me say it, letting me feel it, and letting me get it out there so if I need you I know that you’ll be here.
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